01/07/2025
Laura and I celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary this past Saturday. The older I get, the more reflective I become with each passing anniversary. It struck me that I’ve been a married man longer than I’ve been single by a good nine years.
Since the average length of marriage in America right now is seven to eight years (weinmanfamilylaw.com), Laura and I have made it almost five times past the national average.
The obvious question I get the longer I’m married is: How have you stayed married so long? My typical answers to this question range from keeping Jesus at the center of our marriage to having a date night every week. The first answer, of course, is far more significant than the latter one, but at the heart of both responses is something I’ve been discovering more and more as the years march on.
Kathleen Norris best describes my discovery in her wonderful book, The Quotidian Mysteries. She recounts the electrifying experience of romantic love that sweeps you off your feet and leaves you speechless and spellbound. But, she says, “A short-lived fascination with another person may be exciting—I think we’ve all seen people aglow, in a state of being `in love with love’—but such an attraction is not sustainable over the long run” (p. 62).
What I’ve discovered and continue to learn over 33 years of marriage is what Norris calls the commitment of love. “[It is] not in the height of attraction and enthusiasm but in the everyday struggles of living with another person. It is not in romance but in routine that the possibilities for transformation are made manifest. And that requires commitment” (p. 63).
A successful marriage is not void of conflict, disagreement, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings. In fact, as the years pass, some of those disgruntlements have a compound effect. What was once a minor gap can become a major chasm with the passage of time.
A successful marriage has learned that commitment is deeper than conflict. Determination is greater than disagreement. Hope stands a greater chance than hurt. And maturity wins the day over misunderstanding. The major chasm of differing opinions and personalities has an unbreakable bridge that connects the two opposing sides.
“And that requires commitment,” which is all too lacking in our consumer-driven culture. We consume marriage to make us happy, and once the happiness fades like a well-worn penny, we think it’s time to make a change, and then we’re free to pursue happiness elsewhere. The problem is that it rarely works.
A lasting marriage occurs not because of the absence of everyday struggles but because we learn how to face those struggles with humility and grace. We stop thinking that our happiness lies in the temporary fixation of romance but in the steady progress of the routine. When we settle into the long-term growth of daily actions of humility, fidelity, and commitment, then we discover the beautiful emergence of romance amid the quotidian routine.
And who wouldn’t want the romance of a steady ember rather than a flash in the pan anyway? I’m all for romance, but I’m content to find it in the routine of 33 years of marriage rather than a short-lived fascination that seems exciting at first but quickly loses its luster.
C. S. Lewis perhaps summed it up best when he wrote, “It is on [the commitment of] love that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the explosion that started it” (Mere Christianity).
If you’re looking for an excellent resource to help you grow in this commitment of love, check out our upcoming marriage conference at e91church.com/events.
