08/06/2024
Undoubtedly, you’ve heard the expression many times before, “Hurt people hurt people.” Believing this doesn’t take away the pain of being hurt, but it does give us a bit of understanding as to why people do what they do.
Just the other day, I was pulling into the parking lot of Lowe’s, and another driver cut me off and then (as I perceived it) gave me a glaring look as though I were at fault. My initial reaction, I’m ashamed to say, was definitely not “holier than thou.” But as I took some deep breaths, counted to ten, and said a prayer, I told myself that I have no idea what that individual is going through, the journey he’s on, and even the pain he may be encountering. And so, I actually mumbled a prayer that the Lord would touch his life because He obviously needed the Lord.
But don’t we all?
Acknowledging someone’s pain doesn’t rationalize poor behavior, but it does increase our prayer life and release some of our own sense of offence. Quite frankly, we are too easily offended, and I share this from much experience.
A friend of mine recently quoted Richard Rohr who said, “If we don’t transform our pain, we will most assuredly transfer it.” How true it is. When I am hurting physically or emotionally, I find myself to be more argumentative, defensive, and (you can ask my wife) just down right mean. To grow past those destructive thoughts and behaviors, I need to grow up in Christlikeness who, “humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:8, ESV). But the question we all wrestle with is, How? How do we transform our pain so that we don’t transfer it to others? Here are four steps we can take on the path of transformation.
- 1. Acknowledge your pain. When you can name your pain, you gain self-awareness that something is wrong; something is not the way it should be. If you find yourself lashing out at others, take a step back and assess what is going on inside of yourself.
- 2. Pause to pray. This should be a given, but unfortunately too often we jump right to words or deeds of the flesh rather than of the Spirit. Pray that the Holy Spirit will transform your pain into spiritual gain. Notice that transformation doesn’t mean elimination. You may still hurt, but your hurt is surrendered to Jesus and not transferred to your spouse, kids, or that driver who cuts you off.
- 3. Grow in gratitude. This may sound like it’s coming out of left field, but gratitude is a salve for grief. We can choose to be grateful despite our circumstances and pain. Easier said than done? Without question. But like all disciplines, the more we practice the better we play.
- 4. Choose your circle. Transforming our pain is not a solo “sport.” We need a safe place to express our pain in healthy ways. Heart work is hard work, and we need the counsel of others to listen, pray, and guide us through Christ’s work within us.
The next time you find yourself transferring your pain to others through words or deeds, choose the path of transformation through Jesus Christ. In so doing, you will discover peace despite pain and hope beyond measure.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
Romans 15:13, ESV
